God Bless the King

I don't wear cologne. No deodorant. That shit smells gross, girly, and is liable to give you cancer. Real women like the sent of my putrid sac, and if they don't, they grin and bear it. Nevertheless, that doesn't keep me from dreaming about a magically scented potion that would bring even the prudest of the fairer sex to my lair.

If I were to concoct a scent to cover my garlic stench, it would have three qualities: Money, Weed and Bacon. Cash is a known aphrodisiac, and the scent of Mr. Franklin was know to intoxicate the most wretched wenches of France. Mary Jane in her purest forms is a citrus-sweet-bubblegum-skunk-diesel aroma, and will def tingle the senses. Finally, Bacon! Yes, that may sound strange, who would want to smell like a cooked mammal? I do, and I'm not alone.

According to the Boston Herald, Burger King is unveiling a cologne called Flame, which supposedly smells a bit like flame-broiled meat. This bottle of love can be purchased for $4 at http://www.firemeetsdesire.com.

Needless to say, I will not be purchasing this filth. Rather, I will burn a doobie in a smoker while rubbing Jacksons under my pits for 30 minutes before dates and interviews.